In the middle of nowhere

I'm fucking fucked up and confused.
All my pride is breaking to pieces, melting down, pouring under his feet.
He doesn't love me enough to make up his mind.
I love him more than anyone or anything in this life.
What if he finds someone who impresses him completely in the middle of our way?
What if I put my everything and get nothing in return?
What if he leaves and I don't forget him?
what if I end up by myself for the rest of my life?
What if he never loves me the way I want?
I wish there was a God that I could ask for his help; someone who could show me the way.
I feel completely lost.

*

Stars, Skies, Childhood, Wishes...
He said that the first star that comes appealing in the sky, is your lucky star. If you happen to catch it the moment it appears, you make a wish and your wish would come true. He said he saw so many sunsets in order to see his lucky star at nights. He always felt that the star is his only star, although it was just a moment for that star to shine in the sky by itself; The other ones would come through immediately right after each other. But he would be so fond of his own star he wouldn't even notice the others, he wouldn't care for them. He would keep staring at his own star, admiring her beauty, making wishes sending towards her.
Oh my lucky star. I'm sending my wish to you. I want you in my life. I want you by my side forever. Oh my lucky star, shine on me. You're the only star in my sky, I'm so fond of you. Make my wish come true.

Come fly with me

There is this couple in the locked unit I worked tonight which you can tell they're in love. Locked unit is for those people that their dementia is so severe that they are danger to themselves or others and they need close and constant supervision. Lots of these people even don't remember their own names, most would never remember any of the workers even if they work on their unit full time. Anyways, these couple are always together. They sit at a same table for meals, they walk in corridor hand in hand, they sit in TV room or hallway together and she usually puts her head on his shoulder. If one comes late to the dinning room, the other one gets worried. You can tell that they are the only matter on each others minds but they never talk. Just once in a while one would look at the other one and ask "are you ok?" but that's about it. The lady is much sicker. She doesn't even remember her own kids, never mind the workers. But she never forgets the man who she holds hands with.
I guess love is the strongest feeling of all. That's the last thing you lose. I look at them and see two really sick people who have absolutely nothing. But then again, I see them together, and I envy them.

...

Him: listen to the sky and look at the sound of bird who sings at the night
Him: that is me
Me: ...
Him: and also you

One day at a time

What if he leaves?

He wants to think everything over. He wants to know if he really loves me or not. He wants to find out if I can satisfy him. He wants some time off.
To me, it really doesn't make a huge difference. I love him, and I will love him forever and that's what is really important me. Just like his beautiful, beautiful dream house which he told me about last night. He said I have it in mind and it feels like I'm living in it. He said I would build it someday, but even if I don't I'm satisfy with the dream of it.
I have his love and the rest is a big bonus, a big privilege. And I guess I can live without the bonus and privilege. I guess.

He comes to me

"Do you want company tonight?" he asked.
"Is there any situation, any special day, any moment, any mood or anything at all that would make me feel not wanting your company?" I asked myself.
The feeling that I get from him is somehow rather strange. I feel excited like a 14 year old girl dating an older man, yet secure. I feel madly happy while he's around but yet wanna cry. I feel like I wanna dance, play around and do crazy stuff with him and at the same time I just wanna relax in his arms. But one thing is for sure; I always, always, always want his company.

He said if you knew how much I love you, you would get naked, running and screaming towards the sea.
I wonder why he's not doing the same since he knows how deeply in love I am...

Am I dreaming or did he just say: "you belong to me?"

The city where I wanna be

I love Toronto. It's my kind of city; It has the smell of you in the air, and my mom's name written on a stone, forever.

Confused

-"I might move in with you."
-"What?"
That's what I came up with?!?! That's the only thing that came to my mind?!?! After all those long nights of wishes and dreaming and wanting and wanting more? GOD...

Eternity

Is there gonna be a day to come when he wakes up in the morning and say to himself he wants to see me everyday? He has to have me by his side every night? He has to have me in his life full-time?
If there is, that would be the day I can live forever and ever and ever... or die.

That's how you make me feel

"I just had a chaghaaleh baadoom and a gojeh sabz right after I finished my green tea shake and I feel as greenest as anyone could be."
I sent him this as a text message when I went on the bus after visiting him on his break.
What's going on with me? Everyday I think that's the end of love; I could never ever be more in love in my entire life. That's the ultimate feeling anyone could get. But It's a matter of hours for me to prove myself wrong again. I'm not even sure that I'm in love anymore. Maybe I'm in the process of falling. What is love anyways? It feels like... I don't know.

Food

He made me a breakfast. I was feeling sick because I didn't have anything to eat the day before and because I didn't get much sleep at night. Our fridge was practically empty. we had some eggs, some ham and some sun dried tomato and he used it all to make a beautiful breakfast for me. I ate a bit, not much though. My stomach wouldn't let me.
When he left, I sat down and kept the half full plate in my lap. I looked at it and played with the pieces of food left in there. I looked at it and thought of him making me food. Thinking of him feeding me made me smile. thinking of him caring for me, loving me, made me cry. I sat there with the half full plate in my lap, smiling and crying, thinking how beautiful my life has become.

Emotions

I was just talking to him. I woke up only few minutes before he called. I love it when I get to hear his voice first thing in the morning. Well I mean "my morning" which is usually after 12 noon. His voice boosts up my soul, plays with my emotions so smoothly and give me enough energy to go on all day. My emotion gets so real I can see it right in front of me. I see my emotion as a very beautiful girl, not a mature woman, a very beautiful young girl with long hair and deep eyes who sometimes plays around, laughs hard and makes everyone happy. A very beautiful girl who sometimes sits beside the ocean, staring at sunset, letting her feet get wet, letting her hair fly with the wind, thinking so deep you would think not even the biggest waves could interrupt her uniformity.
He told me emotion is like performing arts. It needs to be presented, offered, exposed,... evaluated. If it doesn't, it will fade away, just like performing arts, it will die.
I will expose my emotions, I will let him see the beautiful young girl with long hair and deep eyes. I will let him laugh with her, cry with her, sit with her beside the ocean and watch the sunrise. I will let him evaluate her beauty. The beautiful young girl inside the not so beautiful mature woman. I wont let her die.

He is gone again...

We spent the whole night together. We drove together, drank together, kissed, caressed, giggled together. We made love all night. He slept in my arms, in my tiny narrow bed, in my tiny narrow room in our basement. I was tired of working long hours and not getting enough sleep for so many nights but when he fell sleep, I didn't want to fall too. I wanted to stay awake and look at him. I wanted to listen to his breath sounds. I wanted to listen to him snoring. I love it when he snores. I love everything about him. To me, he is perfect. Even though he doesn't love me the way I love him, I still love him the way I want to.
When he left in the morning, same story as always happened; I didn't want to change my clothes. I didn't want to take a shower or wash my hands. When he leaves, I'm only a lonely soul, I'm only a piece of material smelling like the man I love. I went back to bed and let the smell of his body, his cigarette, his cologne fill my head. I pictured him in my arms again -like he never left, and held him tight until I fell sleep.