"Was it just the time or do I owe my significant positive changes to you?" I asked him after we started talking about how wise I've been becoming recently.
I know that it's all because of him. He came to my life when I was drowning myself in the ocean of my own mistakes, in a ship clearly broken and unprofessionally built. I was dying from this horrible disease and I didn't have the energy and courage to seek help. This cancer was eating me from inside and I was just living one day at the time. He came to my life right when I needed someone the most to take my hand and help me stand.
He helped me stand up and now I know I can walk. I'm sure it will take time to get my balance back. I'm sure it will take practice to be able to run, but I can see it coming. And believe me, I don't ever wanna go back to where I came from.
I became what I was intended to be from the beginning and I will do anything to stay on this path forever. Now, I have enough energy and inspiration to get me going for the rest of my life and I can do it all by myself. But I would never forget the hands who helped me stand on my own feet again.

To him, our relationship is a young sapling of red apple. He is taking care of the sapling with a desire for tasty fruits and a hope for a sheltering shadow and a beautiful broad dense and twiggy crown. He will do his best taking care of it. It might not turn to what he is hoping for. He might get disappointed when it's time to enjoy the fruits. He knows that and he is ready to take the chance.
To me, our relationship is a rose. A beautiful sensitive red rose bud of whose aroma I am speechless and by whose beauty I am blown away. I'm taking care of my rose with all I have and I'm not hoping for anything extra besides what I'm already getting. My beautiful red bud will turn to a beautiful red rose and I'm here to make sure it happens perfectly. It's my rose and I'm going to keep it safe forever.

Wow!It's almost another one month again.
I didn't have access to internet recently. Since my sister is back, I can't sit in front of the computer much. I don't remember last time I've checked my emails.
This month had so much ups and downs. We broke up two times. The first time I was sure that's what I wanted; breaking up for the last time. But then he called me and we went to Niagara Falls for his birthday.
He is forty now.In English, forty is the only number whose constituent letters appear in alphabetical order. To me, forty is a special number and a special age. I have a feeling that this is going to be a very special year of his life, and I have a feeling that I'll be a special part of it.
Second time we broke up in this past 30 days, I was so scared that I called him and asked him to consider another chance with me. Everything went wrong suddenly and I hurt him with my out of control attitude and I had to prove him that wasn't me. It could be the hormones or the pressure of outside world, but definitely not me. How someone with such calm and positive nature can turn to a wild tornado and ruin everything around her, I'm surprised myself more than anyone else. Anyways, he said he wants to give us another chance and I think that's so smart of him. I have a feeling that if we survive this transition state of our life, we'll have a great time together.
Something is telling me we meant to be together. Something told me that as soon as laid my eyes on his picture. Something is telling me that every time I see him or hear his voice.
Something tells me we belong to each other every minute and every second of my life.

away again

It's been about a month I haven't written anything here.
I've been through a lot lately; Lots of up and downs in my personal, health-wise, job-related, family-related and academic life, again! Sometimes I think I must be a very strong person to go through this once in a while and still be happy and positive.
He is still there; Still charming and attractive, still lovely, nice and supportive. Sometimes I feel he's all I want in this life since I can get anything with the power and positive energy I get from his presence. Sometimes, which is not very often, I feel that we are a world apart. That makes me to hold back and think. We both need more time to make sure about everything; Living together would make everything more clear.
I decided not to go to school this September. We are planning to move in together very soon and I need my time, money and energy to start this new life with him and I wont be able to concentrate on anything else for a while. Besides that, I'm working on myself which takes a huge part of my energy and concentration anyways. I feel that I'm growing everyday, changing a lot, turning and turning, seeing new things in life, experiencing new feelings and climbing up, in my own way.
It feels like I'm an eagle; Trying, struggling to take off from the earth. It's hard I know, it takes lots of time and energy and I might lose lots of feathers. But as soon as I hit the skies, wind will blow under my wings and I will be floating with no effort. I'm waiting for that day, will come soon I know.

Where am I?

So he kind of broke up with me on Wednesday night, called me on Friday night just to see how I was doing and telling me he loved me so much he couldn't possibly imagine I might get hurt in the future. I went out with this guy from the dating site that night, talked about him all through the "date", called him when I get in to my car and unleashed myself. He told me he is in love with me and he wants me so much. He said he just doesn't want me to get hurt.
I know he won't hurt me. He promised me not to. He loves me so much he could not possibly do that. That's what he tells me and that's what I keep telling myself so I get some peace of mind.
He is mine and he is going to be forever. That's my share of life and I will not let it go.

God only knows what I'd be without you

I didn't write for few days because I wanted to make sure what I'm experiencing is for real. I had to take some time to digest the fact that he is in love with me and I'm not just day dreaming.
It feels so great when he tells me he loves me so much. Feels great when he tells me he misses me and he wants to be with me. When he tells me he is in love with me. I feel like I'm the king of the world and no one can take away my happiness as long as he loves me.

HOORAYYYY

I'm on top of the world.
I Just got my admission to go back to school, I got a full time job starting from yesterday, I'm on diet with my family and I can see that we're all getting smaller and healthier everyday and the man I'm in love with is falling for me.
Who wants more than that? I don't even need to win the lottery anymore!

I am blessed

I was driving towards work looking at people on the street walking, driving their cars, riding on the bus, happy, sad, some with their family, some hand in hand, some by themselves. When I arrived, I watched the people at my work, my residents, their family members, the parking guy, the doctor on call, my manager, how they talk, how they walk, how they react and what they have in their eyes..... and just one thing came to my mind over and over again; nobody is as happy as I am right now. The man that I adore told me last night that he loves me, that I'm his and he's mine. He said " the night is full of stars tonight, and I have my star in my arms. That's so great when you don't have to look for your star in the skies anymore..."
No one can ever be as happy as I am right now. I can swear on that.

Work

I'm gonna work 19 days in a row without having a day off!
I'm still on my diet but haven't started to go to the gym yet. When I found out I had to work so many days in a row, I thought maybe I should spend more time resting at home since I don't get enough calories and that can burn me out.
We're gonna go to Niagara falls for the weekend I'm done my 19 days. This is gonna be our first trip together and I'm so excited about it. I know it's going to be amazing. Me, him, good weather, beautiful nature, relaxing hotel room, no worries if somebody hears us, no worries if somebody smells the cigarette, no worries, no worries, no worries...
I am happy and I will stay happy for the rest of my life. He is mine and he will be forever. Because that's the way it's supposed to be.

Happiest

Finallyyyyyyyyyy.......
He said he is in love me. He said he feels committed and he feels I belong to him.
He told me I should stop browsing around because I'm his girlfriend now. We talked about moving in together, probably end of this year.
He was still concerned about me wanting kids. I told him I could never imagine myself leaving him for someone I don't even know what's gonna be like, someone who doesn't exist and someone who might turn to be my enemy. I would not want a kid with the price of losing him. I would not want anything with that price. Never.
I was shocked all night long, with my upset stomach, too excited to fall sleep.
Today, Sky was beautiful, sun was smiling at me, green was greener and world was a wonderful place.
I feel I'm the luckiest person on this earth. I wish he feels the same.

My plans

I'm going on this south beach diet tomorrow. I'm planning to go to the gym everyday until I can go in front of the mirror, look at myself and say "wow, now I'm really good enough for him!" I will say that very soon, I know that.
I suggested that we don't see each other for a while so he can see the difference, but he said he wants to be by my side and support me.
I need his support. That's the first time in my life I'm feeling that way. I was always "the mother" in my relationships, taking care of everything, supporting my other party all the way, not getting anything in return and being fine about it. Not this time. I need his support and I want it for the rest of my life. I will get it, I can feel that.

Dreaming

I dreamed about him while I was napping this evening.
It was so clear and happy that I smiled all the time. I could feel my smile on my lips and in my heart. My body was all excitement, love and happiness. I was living my dream, in my dream and that sounds so ironic.
I woke up in joy and satisfaction, not remembering even a moment of what I saw.

After 10 days

I could not write anything in these 10 days.
One day I found out something and lost myself so bad. I didn't even tell him what I found out but I acted out and he freaked out. He said I was love sick. He said we should take one month off and see within ourselves what we want to do.
He called me 3 days ago. He said he heard me calling him. I was calling him actually. I called him every minute and every second. I love him and I will love him for the rest of my life. I will keep him inside of my safe forever. I will live with his memory, I will cherish the moments we had together, I will grow the fantastic feeling I get while I'm with him within myself until I die.
But if he wants to be my partner, he has to be mine, and only mine.

In the middle of nowhere

I'm fucking fucked up and confused.
All my pride is breaking to pieces, melting down, pouring under his feet.
He doesn't love me enough to make up his mind.
I love him more than anyone or anything in this life.
What if he finds someone who impresses him completely in the middle of our way?
What if I put my everything and get nothing in return?
What if he leaves and I don't forget him?
what if I end up by myself for the rest of my life?
What if he never loves me the way I want?
I wish there was a God that I could ask for his help; someone who could show me the way.
I feel completely lost.

*

Stars, Skies, Childhood, Wishes...
He said that the first star that comes appealing in the sky, is your lucky star. If you happen to catch it the moment it appears, you make a wish and your wish would come true. He said he saw so many sunsets in order to see his lucky star at nights. He always felt that the star is his only star, although it was just a moment for that star to shine in the sky by itself; The other ones would come through immediately right after each other. But he would be so fond of his own star he wouldn't even notice the others, he wouldn't care for them. He would keep staring at his own star, admiring her beauty, making wishes sending towards her.
Oh my lucky star. I'm sending my wish to you. I want you in my life. I want you by my side forever. Oh my lucky star, shine on me. You're the only star in my sky, I'm so fond of you. Make my wish come true.

Come fly with me

There is this couple in the locked unit I worked tonight which you can tell they're in love. Locked unit is for those people that their dementia is so severe that they are danger to themselves or others and they need close and constant supervision. Lots of these people even don't remember their own names, most would never remember any of the workers even if they work on their unit full time. Anyways, these couple are always together. They sit at a same table for meals, they walk in corridor hand in hand, they sit in TV room or hallway together and she usually puts her head on his shoulder. If one comes late to the dinning room, the other one gets worried. You can tell that they are the only matter on each others minds but they never talk. Just once in a while one would look at the other one and ask "are you ok?" but that's about it. The lady is much sicker. She doesn't even remember her own kids, never mind the workers. But she never forgets the man who she holds hands with.
I guess love is the strongest feeling of all. That's the last thing you lose. I look at them and see two really sick people who have absolutely nothing. But then again, I see them together, and I envy them.

...

Him: listen to the sky and look at the sound of bird who sings at the night
Him: that is me
Me: ...
Him: and also you

One day at a time

What if he leaves?

He wants to think everything over. He wants to know if he really loves me or not. He wants to find out if I can satisfy him. He wants some time off.
To me, it really doesn't make a huge difference. I love him, and I will love him forever and that's what is really important me. Just like his beautiful, beautiful dream house which he told me about last night. He said I have it in mind and it feels like I'm living in it. He said I would build it someday, but even if I don't I'm satisfy with the dream of it.
I have his love and the rest is a big bonus, a big privilege. And I guess I can live without the bonus and privilege. I guess.

He comes to me

"Do you want company tonight?" he asked.
"Is there any situation, any special day, any moment, any mood or anything at all that would make me feel not wanting your company?" I asked myself.
The feeling that I get from him is somehow rather strange. I feel excited like a 14 year old girl dating an older man, yet secure. I feel madly happy while he's around but yet wanna cry. I feel like I wanna dance, play around and do crazy stuff with him and at the same time I just wanna relax in his arms. But one thing is for sure; I always, always, always want his company.

He said if you knew how much I love you, you would get naked, running and screaming towards the sea.
I wonder why he's not doing the same since he knows how deeply in love I am...

Am I dreaming or did he just say: "you belong to me?"

The city where I wanna be

I love Toronto. It's my kind of city; It has the smell of you in the air, and my mom's name written on a stone, forever.

Confused

-"I might move in with you."
-"What?"
That's what I came up with?!?! That's the only thing that came to my mind?!?! After all those long nights of wishes and dreaming and wanting and wanting more? GOD...

Eternity

Is there gonna be a day to come when he wakes up in the morning and say to himself he wants to see me everyday? He has to have me by his side every night? He has to have me in his life full-time?
If there is, that would be the day I can live forever and ever and ever... or die.

That's how you make me feel

"I just had a chaghaaleh baadoom and a gojeh sabz right after I finished my green tea shake and I feel as greenest as anyone could be."
I sent him this as a text message when I went on the bus after visiting him on his break.
What's going on with me? Everyday I think that's the end of love; I could never ever be more in love in my entire life. That's the ultimate feeling anyone could get. But It's a matter of hours for me to prove myself wrong again. I'm not even sure that I'm in love anymore. Maybe I'm in the process of falling. What is love anyways? It feels like... I don't know.

Food

He made me a breakfast. I was feeling sick because I didn't have anything to eat the day before and because I didn't get much sleep at night. Our fridge was practically empty. we had some eggs, some ham and some sun dried tomato and he used it all to make a beautiful breakfast for me. I ate a bit, not much though. My stomach wouldn't let me.
When he left, I sat down and kept the half full plate in my lap. I looked at it and played with the pieces of food left in there. I looked at it and thought of him making me food. Thinking of him feeding me made me smile. thinking of him caring for me, loving me, made me cry. I sat there with the half full plate in my lap, smiling and crying, thinking how beautiful my life has become.

Emotions

I was just talking to him. I woke up only few minutes before he called. I love it when I get to hear his voice first thing in the morning. Well I mean "my morning" which is usually after 12 noon. His voice boosts up my soul, plays with my emotions so smoothly and give me enough energy to go on all day. My emotion gets so real I can see it right in front of me. I see my emotion as a very beautiful girl, not a mature woman, a very beautiful young girl with long hair and deep eyes who sometimes plays around, laughs hard and makes everyone happy. A very beautiful girl who sometimes sits beside the ocean, staring at sunset, letting her feet get wet, letting her hair fly with the wind, thinking so deep you would think not even the biggest waves could interrupt her uniformity.
He told me emotion is like performing arts. It needs to be presented, offered, exposed,... evaluated. If it doesn't, it will fade away, just like performing arts, it will die.
I will expose my emotions, I will let him see the beautiful young girl with long hair and deep eyes. I will let him laugh with her, cry with her, sit with her beside the ocean and watch the sunrise. I will let him evaluate her beauty. The beautiful young girl inside the not so beautiful mature woman. I wont let her die.

He is gone again...

We spent the whole night together. We drove together, drank together, kissed, caressed, giggled together. We made love all night. He slept in my arms, in my tiny narrow bed, in my tiny narrow room in our basement. I was tired of working long hours and not getting enough sleep for so many nights but when he fell sleep, I didn't want to fall too. I wanted to stay awake and look at him. I wanted to listen to his breath sounds. I wanted to listen to him snoring. I love it when he snores. I love everything about him. To me, he is perfect. Even though he doesn't love me the way I love him, I still love him the way I want to.
When he left in the morning, same story as always happened; I didn't want to change my clothes. I didn't want to take a shower or wash my hands. When he leaves, I'm only a lonely soul, I'm only a piece of material smelling like the man I love. I went back to bed and let the smell of his body, his cigarette, his cologne fill my head. I pictured him in my arms again -like he never left, and held him tight until I fell sleep.